First, let’s take a look at your personal life. You have a lot of commitments, right? But isn’t this what makes you feel connected to this earth?  Commitments are a good thing – you may have a commitment to a sports team, a local school, a charity or a family matter. These commitments  take you away from work, both mentally and physically. (Again, this is also a good thing which I’ll come back to later). Your instinct is that your priorities are in the right place, but you still feel guilty leaving clients or colleagues with unfinished business.

Now let’s take a look at your professional life.  You are no doubt enjoying the challenge and collaboration of working with other adults.  Knowing you, I bet you’re really throwing yourself into the new job, the new role, or project.  But I hear you. You’re telling me that despite this job satisfaction you still do experience that tinge (or on a bad day, that pang) of guilt that you should be home having a glass of wine with your partner or reading that bedtime story with your kids.

Well, if it’s any consolation we’ve all been there . The point is you’re not alone and it’s not personal – it’s part of the human predicament.  It’s part of what defines us and you’ve got to stop beating yourself up about it. It’s not your fault, so there’s absolutely no reason why you should feel guilty!

Kate Redding, the working mom played by Sarah Jessica Parker in the film I don’t know how she does it, demonstrates beautifully that so much of the guilt we experience is self-imposed. We set unrealistic expectations of what we can achieve – whether that be at home or at work.  Kate seems to feel guilty about everything and as a result she seems almost scatter-brained and unfocused in almost every situation. Her guilt seems to be driving her to be uber human.  (She really stoops low when she dresses up a store-bought cake as homemade for the school bake sale. She doesn’t want her kids to feel like she’s contributing less than the other mothers. Oh, please!).  In a way we set ourselves up for feeling a sense of failure, a sense of guilt, because we can’t meet a pie in the sky expectation.

Ok, so although you buy into my logic, you’re still not over it.

Here’s the real key to getting to grips with the guilt trip. What you have to realize is that it’s because of your personal life (rather than in spite of!) that you’re a better professional, a better business person. People like to deal with other people. The unique approach, values and integrity you bring to the work environment are your greatest contributions. Your uniqueness comes from your personal life, your upbringing and your personal experiences.  Also having a personal life pulls you away from work  – it saves you from burn-out (I saw plenty of this in my corporate life!).  It allows you to break away and recharge your battery, which of course makes you more productive in the long run. Ever notice how much easier something feels once you’ve had that mental break?

Fine, I get all that, but I still feel guilty about not spending enough time with my partner.  I feel guilty about leaving the kids. Did you ever think about how your professional life makes you an interesting person – how it broadens your perspective? Have you ever thought about how your professional life enables you to support your partner’s career (you realize just how tough it is out there in the real world!).  So many skills and qualities that you apply in your personal life have actually been developed in your work life.  You’ve got it – your professional life makes you a better person  – you as a partner, daughter, friend or mother. You can help your relatives and close friends get out of those tricky situations because you solve problems at work all day long!

Bottom line?  Although you want perfection,  just focusing on that one thing doesn’t get you there either.  Once you accept that you can’t possibly be everywhere and do everything,  and also accept that it’s the varied dimensions in your life that might it worth living, you’re well  on the road to recovery.  No more guilt.  Time to enjoy life’s variety!

For all those women out there who feel guilty about going to work rather than being with their children, I say “Forget about it!”. The kids don’t need you around all of the time – it’s not good for them and it’s not good for you. Of course they do need guidance and supervision, but they also need their own space in order to develop as independent and confident individuals. The media has brainwashed us into thinking that we should feel guilty about leaving our children in anyone else’s care. I just don’t buy it!

So what’s the cure for the guilt trip. First and foremost, put your logical hat on when thinking about this issue. I can assure you that if you manage your personal life as well as you manage your professional lives, your kids will be fine. If you’re happy in your profession and therefore feel energized in your work environment, you are infusing your home with energy and enthusiasm. When you’re motivated, you can motivate others – i.e. help your kids on that school project, encourage them to finish their homework to the best of their ability, etc.

Second, remember that your relationship with your kids lasts a lifetime – it goes way beyond the toddler years and pre-school. Many professional women I speak to who suffer from the guilt trip tell me that thinking about their children within a longer term perspective gives them comfort. My two older kids are now 21 and 23 and I am enjoying a relationship that would be unimaginable had I not pursued a full-on career. I am able to coach them on their job search, critique their resumes, and add pizzazz to their cover letters. And best of all, they appreciate it and actively seek out my advice!

Do I wish I could have been to more hockey or rugby matches? Yes, of course, but it’s the limitation of being human – you can’t be everywhere at the same time and that’s not your fault. Being a good parent isn’t just about being there – it’s about being there, being happy to be there, and having the knowledge and skill set to support, love, encourage and motivate. My career has made me a better mother. By you reaching for the stars you are encouraging your kids to also reach for the stars. Don’t worry – the kids will be all right. Better yet, the kids will develop into mature, responsible, loving adults because that’s what you’ve taught them by your words and your actions.